DAILY QUOTA:

"No wonder an alcoholic is strangely irrational. Who wouldn't be, with such a fevered brain? Normal drinkers are not so affected, nor can they understand the abberations of the alcoholic."
- The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 140

"I got thrown out of Alcoholics Anonymous because when the other clients saw me they thought they were having the DT's."
- Dave Dutton

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Light bulb
Q: How many recovering alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Many will gladly help, but it's important for the light bulb to really want to change.

DAILY QUOTA:

"We know only two things about the future: It cannot be known, and it will be different from what exists now and from what we now expect."
- Peter Drucker

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is."
- Horace Walpole

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Light bulb
Q: How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. He holds on to the light bulb and waits for the room to spin.

DAILY QUOTA:

"The Kingdom of God is within you."
- Jesus

"Your lost friends are not dead, but gone before, advanced a step or two upon the road, which you must travel in the steps they trod."
- Aristophane

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Vacation
Q: Where do drunks like to go on vacation?
A: To a different bar on the other side of town.

DAILY QUOTA:

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."
- Bernice Reagon

"If penicillin can cure those who are ill, Spanish sherry can bring the dead back to life."
- Alexander Fleming

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Avalanche
Two drunks got lost trying to do some mountain climbing in the Rockies. To make it worse, a small avalanche came roaring their way and left them buried in snow up to their necks. Unable to move, they kept busy by telling drinking stories. Both agreed they had been in worse pedicaments many times before. Suddenly they saw something that looked like a scene out of a movie. Running toward them was a large hairy dog with a small keg-shaped cannister of liquor tied under its chin. The first drunk exclaimed, "Look at that, it's man's best friend coming to save us!" The second drunk agreed: "It sure is, and look at the size of the dog bringing it."

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Photo
A drunk was in the mood for love, so to speak, when he noticed an attractive woman sitting alone at the end of the bar. As he plopped himself down on the barstool next her, he noticed she was holding a picture of a handsome man. Breaking the ice, he asked, "What are you doing?" She told him she was just reminiscing. The drunk thought that was a hopeful sign but needed more information, "Is that a photo of your husband?" She dismissed the thought, "I'm not married." He pulled his stool closer to her, "It must be your son." She replied, "I don't have any children." He moved his stool closer still, "Your Brother?" She simply answered, "Nope." The drunk surrendered, "I give up! Who's the guy in the picture?" She replied: "It's a picture of me before my operation."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Success isn't permanent and failure isn't fatal."
- Mike Ditka

"A woman is a lot like beer: they smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother to get one."
- Homer Simpson

DAILY QUOTA

"It is not by accident that the happiest people are those who make a conscious effort to live useful lives. Their happiness, of course, is not a shallow exhilaration where life is one continuous intoxicating party. Rather, their happiness is a deep sense of inner peace."
- Ernest Fitzgerald

"What is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself! If that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi."
- PJ O'Rourke

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Drinking party
A drunk is the first to arrive at his buddy's drinking party because he heard there would be lots of free booze. He looks around and notices the place is messy. For example, on the kitchen table are a few bottles of whisky and wine, along with a couple of full ashtrays, some old newspapers, dirty dishes and half a loaf of bread. This seems to really upset the drunk. He raises his voice and says: "I thought this was a drinking party. So why is all this bread here?"

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Staggering down the street
A drunk is staggering down the street after a bender. There are two nuns dressed in traditional habits walking toward him. As they pass, the drunk watches as one nun goes by him on his left, the other on the right. The drunk is amazed: "It's a miracle! How did she manage to do that?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"Miracles are not contrary to nature, but only contrary to what we know about nature."
- Saint Augustine

"Miracles happen to those who believe in them."
- Bernard Berenson

DAILY QUOTA:

"If something comes to life in others because of you, then you have made an approach to immortality."
- Norman Cousins

"Life is subject to change without notice."
- Richard Eaton

World's oldest drinking song
Below is an english translation of what is thought by literary experts to be the oldest existing drinking song. These are the first two stanzas of Poem 174 in the Chinese Shih Ching (Classic of Poetry). Confucius (551-479 BC) was long held to be the author of this book, but it is now widely believed that the works are much older and that at most he only compiled and edited it (Wu-chi 1966).

"Soaking wet is the dew;
Without the sun it dries not.
Long, long we drink at night,
Do not return home until drunk!

Soaking wet is the dew;
On yonder thick grass.
Long, long we drink at night,
In the clan hall, until all's over."

- Author Unknown
(translation by Liu Wu-chi 1966 'An Introduction to Chinese Literature' p. 14)

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Flash Alcohol Warnings
Link: Albino Blacksheep

DAILY QUOTA:

"My feeling is that there is nothing in life but refraining from hurting others, and comforting those who are sad."
- Olive Schreiner

"I feel good!"
- James Brown