Wednesday, December 31, 2003
"Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is just part of the cycle."
- Eric Zorn
"It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future."
- Yogi Berra
Two drunks were finally leaving a New Year's Eve party when one of them spotted a mirror by the door. After he stood there for too long he finally said, "Hey, I think I know this guy from somewhere!" The second drunk pushed him out of the way so he could see what the first drunk was looking at. Shaking his head he said: "You idiot, that's me."
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
A trembling drunk pleaded with his doctor, "You gotta help me, doc. I haven't been drinking much and I've got these awful shakes." The doctor asked him, "Let me get this straight. You definitely have alcoholic tremors, yet you say you haven't been drinking too much?" The drunk replied: "I try to, but I end end up spilling most of it."
Monday, December 29, 2003
A drunk and his giraffe walked into a bar. After drinking too much, the giraffe passed out on the floor. The drunk started to stagger out leaving his unconscious drinking buddy behind, when the bartender stopped him, "Look here, you must be really drunk if you think you can just leave that lyin' here." The drunk corrected him: "Its not a lion, its a giraffe."
Friday, December 26, 2003
"Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few."
"I told my girlfriend how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking. I asked her why she would say that and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'"
- Dave George
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Wishing You sober serenity this Christmas Eve,
this Christmas, and always, one day at a time.
(New posts will resume Friday, December 26, 2003)
Posted by dryblog at Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
"Somehow, not only for Christmas
but all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others
Is the joy that comes back to you.
And the more you spend in blessing
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart's possessing
Returns to make you glad."
- John Greenleaf Whittier
"It is better to think of church in the ale house, than to think of the ale house in church."
- Martin Luther
A drunk was telling his wife the big plans he had for Christmas this year. In the middle of his spiel the wife interrupted him, "You can say what you want, but I know that you'll (yule?) spend Christmas like a present." The drunk was baffled, "I don't get it. What do you mean, like a present?" The wife explained: "As always, come Christmas Eve you'll tie one-on , pass out, and spend the night under the tree."
Monday, December 22, 2003
A customer said to the bartender, "Listen my good man, I heard a funny drunk joke today." Another customer sitting at the bar overheard him and objected, "You got a problem with that? I'm drunk!" The first man apologized: "I'm sorry, I'll talk slow."
Friday, December 19, 2003
"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge."
- Thomas Carlyle
"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with half that quantity of beer."
- Dave Barry
A Florida ambulance driver was tired after a long shift on a very hot day. Driving the ambulance to the station he noticed a man running after the ambulance waving a dollar bill. He instantly recognized the man as an obnoxious delusional drunk he had to pick up off of the street several times before. He thought to himself, "Not this time, buddy!" He sped up, rounded the corner and noticed the drunk was still running after him and still waving a stupid dollar bill. He wondered, "What's with this guy?" He sped up even more but was stopped by a red light. Looking in the rear-view mirror he saw the drunk finally fall over from exhaustion. As the ambulance driver started pulling away he saw the drunk still waving his dollar bill and yelling: "Fine then! I'll get an ice cream cone somewhere else."
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
"A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many things."
- Thomas Carlyle
"Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice that many people have been able to overcome."
- Winston Churchill
A drunk walks into a bar and begins insulting all of the customers. When the bartender interjects and orders him to get out, the drunk breaks down in tears. Sobbing, he explains, "I'm sorry. I think its a self esteem problem or something. To make it worse, after I insult people I go home and feel awful for days. Please forgive me." The bartender pities the poor sap and refers him to a good psychiatrist. Weeks later the same drunk walks into the same bar. The bartender stops him, "You can stay, but only if you got help for your problem. Did seeing that shrink help?" The drunk assures him he's been cured, then sits down and starts insulting everyone. The bartender is furious, "What's going on? You said you got help for that problem!" The drunk replies: "I'm cured just like I said. Now I can insult people and it doesn't bother me at all."
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
"Take chances and make mistakes, that's how you grow. Pain nourishes courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave."
- Mary Tyler Moore
"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it."
- Thomas Jefferson
Saturday, December 13, 2003
"There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled."
- Edward Lucas
"It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes."
- Thomas Aquinas
A drunk walked into a bar and asked the bartender how many pints were in a quart. The bartender told him, "Exactly two pints." The drunk thanked him, then went and sat down at a corner table far from the bar. When the waitress came over to take his order, the drunk ordered two pints and said the bartender was buying. Knowing that the bartender was a cheap guy, she didn't believe him. The drunk insisted he could prove it. He shouted across the bar to the bartender, "Excuse me again my good man, but this barmaid doesn't believe me. How many did you say?" The bartender shouted back to the waitress: "It's true Luv, two pints."
Thursday, December 11, 2003
A bartender noticed that a drunk and the lady with him were getting just a bit too drunk. But since they tipped well he just kept serving them. Suddenly, the lady slid right off of her barstool and on to the floor. She just lay there with her coat over her head. Knowing he should have cut them off sooner, the bartender rushed over and said, "Hey buddy, your wife just hit the floor. Is she gonna be alright?" The drunk replied: "You don't get it, do you? She's not my wife. My wife is the one who just walked in the door."
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
"...nature has no love for solitude and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship."
"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else."
- Ogden Nash
A drunk was trying to drive home from the bar during a big snow storm. Unable to see the road well, he got lost. He remembered his wife telling him that if he ever got lost in a snow storm, to wait for a plow to come along and then follow it out. Sure enough, a snow plow came along and he followed it for a good half hour before it came to a sudden stop. A man hopped out of the plow, tapped on the drunk's window and waited for him to roll it down before he said: "Hey buddy, I don't know why you're following me. But I'm done with this Wal-Mart, so if you want to, you can watch me do the Safeway parking lot next."
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
A drunk and his soap
After a drunk's wife kicked him out of the house, again, he decided to get a room at the local YMCA until she cooled down. The next morning, while using the shared showers, he reached over for his soap only to discover it was gone. As a man walked up to use the shower next to him he said, "You better watch your stuff in this place, someone just stole my soap! I mean, what kind of a creep would steal a guy's soap?" The other man replied: "A dirty creep."
Monday, December 08, 2003
Burger and Fries
A drunk is staggering home from the bar when he realizes he hasn't eaten for days. He goes into the first place he sees. Walking up to the counter and speaking too loud he says, "GIVE ME A BURGER AND SOME FRIES!" The lady behind the counter shakes her head and responds, "Shhh, keep it down. You must be drunk, this is a library!" The drunk leans forward and quietly whispers: "Oh, sorry. Give me a burger and some fries."
Friday, December 05, 2003
A drunk in a hurry
A drunk runs into a bar in a mad rush. Without even sitting down or taking off his coat he says, "Quick, give me a beer before it starts!" The bartender shrugs and pours the man a beer. The drunk downs the beer and says, "Hurry, another one before it starts!" The drunk chugs the second beer and says the same thing, "Quick, it will start soon!" As the bartender is pouring yet another beer for the panicked man he says, "Alright already, just don't forget to pay for these before you leave." The drunk replies: "Now it starts."
Thursday, December 04, 2003
"I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life."
"Be sober and temperate, and you will be healthy."
- Benjamin Franklin
A doctor just got off work at the local emergency ward. He felt too tightly wound to just go home and sleep, so he thought stopping at the local pub for a nightcap might help. Not being much of a drinker, he ordered something he saw advertised in a magazine, "Give me a daiquiri with just a hint of chicory in it." Since it was almost closing time, the bartender was too tired to give him a dirty look. Mixing the daiquiri, he realized they were out of chicory. The bartender quickly thumbed through his cocktail list for the closest substitute he could find. Thinking he found the answer, the bartender offered, "Sorry, we're out of chicory, but instead would you like a: Hickory Daiquiri, Doc?"
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Doctor Tough Love
A doctor was getting frustrated treating the same drunk over and over when the man wouldn't quit drinking. He decided to use some tough love and hopefully scare the man into facing his alcoholism. So at his next visit the doctor told him, "I've got some seriously bad news for you. There's nothing more I can do if you refuse to quit drinking. Its killing you. I'm sorry, but you only have about ten left." The drunk was shaken up, "What does that mean? Ten what? Ten months, ten weeks, ten days?" The doctor quietly said, "Actually, its nine." The drunk was in a panic, "Now cut that out and tell me what you mean! Nine hours, nine minutes?" The doctor replied: "Eight."
"Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."
- Marcus Aurelius
"Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence."
- David Byrne
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
When a bartender noticed that one regular customer was drinking more than usual, he asked, "Hey, you're really slamming them back. Are you alright?" The drunk told him how the previous week had been really tough. First, his girlfriend broke up with him and left him alone; he also lost his job and was now unemployed; then he received an eviction notice from his landlord. The bartender offered, "Well, look at the bright side. That was last week and now its all in the past." The drunk replied: "That's what I'm depressed about. All that drama, and so far this week, nothing."
Monday, December 01, 2003
A very wealthy drunk was grateful to his doctor. His medical care had once again pulled the drunk out of critically poor health due to drinking. Feeling better than he had in years, he pronounced, "Doc, I can never really repay you, but I included some nice property for you in my will." The doctor replied: "Only if you insist, because you certainly don't have to do that. And by the way, give me back that pescription I just wrote. I'd like to make a small change."
"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lit the flame within us."
- Albert Schweitzer
"Let us rise up and be thankful. For if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die. So, let us all be thankful."