Friday, January 30, 2004
"No wonder an alcoholic is strangely irrational. Who wouldn't be, with such a fevered brain? Normal drinkers are not so affected, nor can they understand the abberations of the alcoholic."
- The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 140
"I got thrown out of Alcoholics Anonymous because when the other clients saw me they thought they were having the DT's."
- Dave Dutton
Thursday, January 29, 2004
"We know only two things about the future: It cannot be known, and it will be different from what exists now and from what we now expect."
- Peter Drucker
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is."
- Horace Walpole
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Two drunks got lost trying to do some mountain climbing in the Rockies. To make it worse, a small avalanche came roaring their way and left them buried in snow up to their necks. Unable to move, they kept busy by telling drinking stories. Both agreed they had been in worse pedicaments many times before. Suddenly they saw something that looked like a scene out of a movie. Running toward them was a large hairy dog with a small keg-shaped cannister of liquor tied under its chin. The first drunk exclaimed, "Look at that, it's man's best friend coming to save us!" The second drunk agreed: "It sure is, and look at the size of the dog bringing it."
Monday, January 26, 2004
A drunk was in the mood for love, so to speak, when he noticed an attractive woman sitting alone at the end of the bar. As he plopped himself down on the barstool next her, he noticed she was holding a picture of a handsome man. Breaking the ice, he asked, "What are you doing?" She told him she was just reminiscing. The drunk thought that was a hopeful sign but needed more information, "Is that a photo of your husband?" She dismissed the thought, "I'm not married." He pulled his stool closer to her, "It must be your son." She replied, "I don't have any children." He moved his stool closer still, "Your Brother?" She simply answered, "Nope." The drunk surrendered, "I give up! Who's the guy in the picture?" She replied: "It's a picture of me before my operation."
Friday, January 23, 2004
"It is not by accident that the happiest people are those who make a conscious effort to live useful lives. Their happiness, of course, is not a shallow exhilaration where life is one continuous intoxicating party. Rather, their happiness is a deep sense of inner peace."
- Ernest Fitzgerald
"What is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself! If that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi."
- PJ O'Rourke
A drunk is the first to arrive at his buddy's drinking party because he heard there would be lots of free booze. He looks around and notices the place is messy. For example, on the kitchen table are a few bottles of whisky and wine, along with a couple of full ashtrays, some old newspapers, dirty dishes and half a loaf of bread. This seems to really upset the drunk. He raises his voice and says: "I thought this was a drinking party. So why is all this bread here?"
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Staggering down the street
A drunk is staggering down the street after a bender. There are two nuns dressed in traditional habits walking toward him. As they pass, the drunk watches as one nun goes by him on his left, the other on the right. The drunk is amazed: "It's a miracle! How did she manage to do that?"
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
"If something comes to life in others because of you, then you have made an approach to immortality."
- Norman Cousins
"Life is subject to change without notice."
- Richard Eaton
World's oldest drinking song
Below is an english translation of what is thought by literary experts to be the oldest existing drinking song. These are the first two stanzas of Poem 174 in the Chinese Shih Ching (Classic of Poetry). Confucius (551-479 BC) was long held to be the author of this book, but it is now widely believed that the works are much older and that at most he only compiled and edited it (Wu-chi 1966).
"Soaking wet is the dew;
Without the sun it dries not.
Long, long we drink at night,
Do not return home until drunk!
Soaking wet is the dew;
On yonder thick grass.
Long, long we drink at night,
In the clan hall, until all's over."
- Author Unknown
(translation by Liu Wu-chi 1966 'An Introduction to Chinese Literature' p. 14)
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
The eyes have it
A drunk is staggering home from the bar when a policeman pulls over to ask him if he's alright. The cop quickly sees that the man is just plain drunk so he asks, "Sir, your eyes are pretty red, perhaps you've had too much to drink?" The drunk slurs: "Well officer, your eyes look sort of glazed, so maybe you've had too many donuts."
Monday, January 19, 2004
A drunk was in a bar and after having a few too many, he decided to make a pass at one of the female customers. He sat down beside her and told her how beautiful she was, and how she looked like a younger version of his wife. The woman was appalled, "You're stinking drunk! You're not getting anywhere with me, so don't even think about it!" The drunk couldn't believe what he heard, and replied: "This is uncanny. Now you even sound like my wife."
Friday, January 16, 2004
He heard a voice
A drunk stepped into the men's room at the bar. While there, he heard a voice coming from one of the stalls. It simply repeated, "9, 9, 9..." Over and over, the same thing, "9, 9, 9..." Just then he noticed a small hole in the stall door. The drunk never was a peeping Tom as such, but he just had to sneak a peek and see what this "9, 9, 9" business was all about. When he bent over to take a look, a long sharp finger quickly darted out and jabbed him hard, right in the eye! Half-blind and traumatized, the drunk heard the voice from the stall change its tune: "10, 10, 10, 10..."
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Rude, crude and obnoxious
A drunk was being rude, crude and obnoxious so the bartender cut him off. The drunk was outraged, "I don't care if you cut me off! I work at the brewery and we have plenty of beer there!" As he was showing the drunk the door, the bartender replied: "And I don't mind tossing you out. I work at the bar and we have plenty of drunks there."
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Best sober wishes to all celebrating New Year's Day
today according to the traditional Julian calendar
(New daily posts resume on Thursday, January 15, 2004)
Posted by dryblog at Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
"When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life."
- Jean Bolen
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
A drunk professor is staggering home late after a long night of drinking. A cop pulls over and asks him, "Hey buddy, it looks like you've had a few too many. Mind if I ask where you're going at this time of night?" The drunk explains, "I'm a professor and I'm going to a lecture." The cop isn't amused but plays along, "Really? You always give lectures at three o'clock in the morning?" The professor replies: "I don't, but my wife does."
Monday, January 12, 2004
Friday, January 09, 2004
"Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them."
- John Updike
"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye, unless you have been drinking."
- Dave Barry
A psychologist was doing a study on people's morning habits. One lady interviewed happened to be the wife of a drunk. The psychologist began, "The first question is, do you ever wake up grouchy?" The drunk's wife replied: "Sometimes, but usually I just let him sleep."
Thursday, January 08, 2004
"And so we get an obvious analogy, which Saint Augustine makes explicit. Just as our thought is clothed externally in our words, so is the thought of God...deployed externally in the creation. This is, as it were, God's speech. That is why everything is a sign, if we can see it properly."
- Charles Taylor
"I got so wasted one night I waited for the Stop sign to change, and it did."
- Steve Krabitz
The new space rover has successfully landed on Mars to look for signs of life. NASA reports that so far it has only found one bar on the red planet, but scientists insist it's nothing to get excited about: The drinks are cheap, but the place is said to have no atmosphere.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
A couple is out on their first date. After a lovely lunch in a fancy restaurant, the woman confesses, "I'll be honest with you. I almost didn't go out with you because I heard that you swear, smoke and drink too much. But you've been nothing but a perfect gentleman." Just then, the intimate moment is interrupted as the man becomes distracted and starts frantically searching through all of his pockets. Finally, he says at the top of his voice: "Well dammit, I must have left my cigarettes at the liquor store this morning."
Monday, January 05, 2004
At lunch time, a recovering alcoholic decides to pay a visit to his new sponsee, who sells hot dogs from a push cart. "Make me one with everything," says the sponsor. The sponsee fixes up a hot dog with all the trimmings and hands it to the sponsor, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the sponsor. The sponsee responds, "Change must come from within."
(This post from Marc P)
Friday, January 02, 2004
A drunk landed a job working at a brewery. At the orientation the manager told him, "Remember that we have a strict rule. If you get caught sampling the beer there will be a fine deducted from your pay. Its $20 for your first offense, $30 for a second time and $40 for a third." The drunk quickly asked: "How much does it cost for a one-year pass?"