Quotes

"I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Thanks be to God. Since my leaving the drinking of wine, I do find myself much better, and do mind my business better, and do spend less money, and less time lost in idle company."
- Samuel Pepys

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemingway

A Penguin

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" So the bartender asks: "What does he look like?"

Quotes

"Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will be powerless to vex your mind."
- Leonardo Da Vinci

"A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on."
- Joe E Lewis

"I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it."
- Robert E Lee

A hamburger

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says: "I'm sorry but we don't serve food here."

Quotes

"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, "This is the real me," and when you have found that attitude, follow it."
- William James

"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer."
- Henry Lawson

"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver."
- Phil Harris

Catching the Ferry

A drunk from Victoria was on a binge in Vancouver and needed to catch the ferry to get home. He didn't like the idea of waiting for the next one so he made a run for it, jumped about six feet, grabbed on and pulled himself onboard. With his shirt torn and bruises on his face from the leap, he looked at a man watching and said, "Well I sure made that one, didn't I?" The man replied: "You sure did, but it would have been easier to wait until it docks in one minute."

Quotes

"I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It is the ultimate source of success in life."
- The Dalai Lama

"There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten."
- Samuel Johnson

"Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living."
- Jean Kerr

What time does the bar open?

A front desk clerk at a hotel is working the night shift when the house phone rings at 3 AM. "What time does the bar open?" a drunk on the line asks him. "Not until noon, good night," the clerk says. An hour later same thing, "I've already told you, the bar doesn't open until noon," and the clerk hangs up. Another hour later the drunk phones again with the same question. Seeing no end to this, the clerk offers to break the after-hours rule and have some liquor sent up to the man's room. The drunk replies: "That sounds great, but you don't understand. I'm not looking to get into the bar, I'm trying to get out."

Quotes

"We are what we repeatedly do."
- Aristotle

"To be is to do."
- Socrates

"Do be do be do."
- Frank Sinatra

The difference between a gambler and a drunk

A gambler and a drunk are in a bar. The drunk says, "Lets make a bet! If one of us can drink 10 pints of beer without stopping, the other guy pays the tab and owes the winner $100."
The gambler goes first and only gets through 5 pints in a row before he runs to the men's room to get sick.
Then it's the drunk's turn. First, he excuses himself, comes back 20 minutes later and chugs 10 pints one after the other.
As the gambler is paying the tab and giving the drunk his $100 he asks, "By the way, where did you go for 20 minutes?" The drunk says: "I went to the pub next door to see if I could actually do it."

Quotes

"The more we empty ourselves, the more room we give God to fill us."
- Mother Teresa

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim."
- Ann Landers

"In the course of history many more people have died for their drink and their dope than have died for their religion or their country."
- Aldous Huxley

He's in the dog house now

A drunk wakes up after a binge and finds his dog next to him instead of his wife. "Oh no," he thinks to himself, "I must have been really drunk...but at least this explains all the screaming when I thought I was putting the dog out for the night."

Quotes

"Respect yourself and others will respect you."
- Confucius

"The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining. "
- John F. Kennedy

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

Horse

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That will be $5. And by the way, we don't get many horses in here." The horse glares back at him and says: "At $5 a beer, I'm not surprised."

Quotes

"Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him."
- Aldous Huxley

"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there."
- Will Rogers

Two glasses

A woman is willing to try anything to get her husband off of the sauce. One evening after dinner she brings out two glasses, one full of water and one full of whisky. After dropping a worm in each of them she points out that the worm in water is swimming around while the one in whisky dies instantly. "This is great news!" the man says, "As long as I keep boozing I won't get worms."

Quotes

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse…you must first BE who you really are, then DO what you need to do, in order to HAVE what you want."
- Margaret Young

"When someone tells you that you can’t go any farther, just tell them to look behind you and see how far you’ve come."
- Lorna Pitre

"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself."
- Galileo Galilei