QUICK E-QUIP:

Basement
Q: What do you call a bar in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.

DAILY QUOTA:

"Anyone who has never made a mistake, has never tried anything new."
- Albert Einstein

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
- Mark Twain

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Making Supper
A drunk's wife was angry with him, probably for good reason. He decided to make her a nice supper, hoping that would bring her around. After her husband had been in the kitchen for over two hours, the wife thought she better go see what was happening. What she found didn't surprise her: There was her husband, drunk and opening another beer, while the kitchen was a complete disaster area. The wife asked him, "What's taking so long?" The drunk told her he had to refill the pepper shaker. The wife didn't see the connection, "Well, alright then, but refilling the pepper shaker shouldn't take two hours!" The drunk slurred back, "Oh, you don't think so? You try stuffing it through those little holes."

DAILY QUOTA:

"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind."
- Wayne Dyer

"Drinking brings out our animal nature, making us drunk as a skunk, weasel-eyed, ratted, ... zoo'd, ripped as a newt, boiled as an owl, howling, hog-whimpering or roaring drunk. Those of us who drank too much at college dorm parties may also recall the extreme adjectives, even murder metaphors, of our youth - and indeed we probably did kill off parts of our brains and livers. They were generally grouped by method: sharp instrument (half-cut, ripped, let her rip, screwed), blunt instrument (hammered, smashed, whammed, slammed, stoned, ossified), poison (polluted, gassed, trashed), electrocution (wired, buzzed, zapped, blistered), hanging (tied one on, looped, strung out, twisted) and car accident (not firing on all cylinders, well-oiled, shellacked, lubricated, pumped up, totalled, mashed, wrecked). Then there was injury or death from no apparent cause (done in, ruined, obliterated, decimated, paralytic, legless, blind drunk, dead drunk)."
- Natalie MacLean, 'Drunk on Adjectives'

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New Job
A drunk showed up at a construction site for the first day of his new job. The foreman asked, "Can you do hard labor?" The drunk replied: "Not only can I, but a judge once told me that someday I would."

DAILY QUOTA:

"We see things not as they are, but as we are."
- John Milton

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman

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Blind-drunk
The son of a drunk wanted to send his dad something special for his birthday. His drunk dad had always liked to read, but since he drank himself practically blind he wasn't able to do much reading. While browsing the Internet one day, the son spotted the perfect gift: a specially trained parrot that could read out loud. He immediately ordered it to be delivered to his dad on his birthday. The evening of that special day he phoned his dad and asked, "By the way dad, did you like the bird I sent?" The drunk dad replied: "Yes, that was very thoughtful of you. It would have been better if you were here to enjoy birthday dinner with me, but the bird was absolutely delicious."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Hear, my son, and be wise, and direct your mind in the way. Be not among winebibbers, or among gluttonous eaters of meat; for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness will clothe a man with rags."
- Proverbs 23:19-20

"Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat."
- Dave Barry

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Drunk Waiter
A couple were out for what they hoped would be a nice dinner. After a few minor incidents, they came to suspect that their waiter was drunk. Not caring to make a scene, they let it go and hoped for the best. After what seemed like forever, their soup was finally being served. That's when the man saw the last straw, "Enough is enough young man, your thumb is in my soup!" The drunk waiter replied: "Don't worry about me, the soup isn't hot anyway."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Before God, we are all equally wise -- and equally foolish."
- Albert Einstein

"I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case and the other case, we only got one case left."
- Barney Gumbal (The Simsons)

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Brewery Truck
Did you hear about the cheap drunk who was tragically run over by a brewery truck?
It was the first time the drinks were on him.

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Roof
Q: How do you get a drunk to climb on to a roof?
A: Tell him the drinks are on the house.

DAILY QUOTA:

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
- Buddha

"All excess is ill, but drunkenness is of the worst sort. It spoils health, dismounts the mind, and unmans men. It reveals secrets, is quarrelsome, lascivious, impudent, dangerous and bad."
- William Penn

DAILY QUOTA:

"There are two kinds of worries: those you can do something about and those you can't. Don't spend any time on the latter."
- Duke Ellington

"I have made an important discovery: that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication."
- Oscar Wilde

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House
A drunk's wife was going over their financial statement. She shared her dismay with her alcoholic husband, "You know, with the cost of booze, you've probably drank the equivalent of a house by now!" The drunk just shrugged and said nothing. The wife continued: "The way I figure it, you must have drank at least a small bungalow, but at this rate, you're easily working toward a split-level with a double garage and all."

DAILY QUOTA:

"He who laughs, lasts."
- Mary Pettibone Poole

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles Schulz

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Cheap & Selfish
A drunk is going out to do his daily drinking. As he's getting ready to leave the house, he says to his wife, "I'm off to the pub, put your coat on." The wife gets excited, "Really? You mean you're actually going to take me with you for a change?" The drunk replies: "No, but the rising cost of utilities is killing us so I'm turning the heat down until I get back."