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Patience, booze and boots
A drunk was leaving a party and kept falling over as he tried putting on his winter boots. After witnessing the fiasco, the host's wife came over and started helping him. After much struggling she managed to get the boots on the drunk, when he said, "You know, these aren't my boots." Shaking her head, she reversed the process to get the boots off of him, when he protested, "Why did you take them off? They're my brother's boots and he said I could wear them." Using all the patience she could muster, she put the boots back on the drunk, when he complained: "Hey, what are you doing? I need my mittens and they're stuffed in the toes of the boots."

DAILY QUOTA:

"A man who examines the saddle and bridle and not the animal itself when he is out to buy a horse is a fool. Similarly, only an absolute fool values a man according to his clothes or his position, which after all is only something we wear like clothing."
- Seneca

"Before God we are all equally wise--and equally foolish."
- Albert Einstein

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Drunk's neighbor
A drunk was in court waiting his turn to face the judge for driving under the influence. Much to his surprise, his neighbor was there being questioned by the judge in a different case. The judge said, "It says here you were arguing with your wife and you threatened her with a hammer. Is this true?" When the neighbor admitted the accusation, the drunk leaped up and shouted, "You liar!" The judge pounded his gavel and asked the drunk what he was shouting about. The drunk replied: "I'm sorry your honor, but that man has been my neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

DAILY QUOTA:

"The wise man must remember that while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future."
- Herbert Spencer

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing."
- William James

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Hump
A drunk had a huge disfiguring hump on his back. Since it didn't interfere with his drinking, he never did anything about it. Finally, his buddies talked him into going to see a doctor. But at first, the drunk refused to remove his shirt. He told the doctor he seldom went shirtless because he was too embarrassed. It took much coaxing and reassuring, but the drunk finally took his shirt off. As he was examining his back, the doctor asked, "When did you start drinking so heavily?" The drunk told him, "In my college days." The doctor inquired further, "And you carried a lot of books around?" The man confirmed it, "Sure, just like all the other kids did." The doctor replied: "That's what I thought. Did you ever wonder where you left your backpack?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"If I am walking with two men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.
- Confucius

"To hit bottom is to fall from grace."
- Doug Horton

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Drunk takes a fall
A drunk got a new job working at a construction site. On his first day, hungover from the night before, he fell two stories and landed flat on his back. As he was shaking it off, seemingly without much injury, the foreman rushed over, "Goodness gracious man, are you alright? Quick, someone get this man a drink of water." The drunk replied: "Is that all? How far does a guy need to fall to get a beer?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality."
-Erich Fromm

"Compared to what we ought to be, we are only half awake."
- William James

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Chicken crossed the road
A chicken crossed the road, went into a bar, and started drinking heavily. The bartender became concerned and asked, "Hey, are you alright?" The chicken replied: "Thanks for your concern. You're the first person who didn't ask me why I crossed the road."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity."
- Lou Holtz

"Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having..."
- Mitch Hedberg

QUICK-E-QUIP:

His day in court
A drunk was on trial for selling moonshine. On his day in court he showed up red-eyed and unshaven, looking like he had been on a bender for a week. During the closing arguments his lawyer faced the jury and pointed to the scraggly drunk: "Let's be serious people. Do you really believe that if my client had any whisky, that he would sell it?"

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Sneaking in
The town drunk tried sneaking into a football game. A gatekeeper stopped him and asked to see his ticket. But the drunk didn't give up, "You don't understand. I'm with three good friends and they have my ticket." The gatekeeper replied with a laugh, "Aw c'mon, who ever heard of a drunk with three good friends?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"I'm not in competition with anybody but myself. My goal is to beat my last performance."
- Celine Dion

"But did you know that 80 percent of referees down an alcoholic beverage on the evening before a game? Now that explains a few things."
- Damian Farrow and Justin Kemp

DAILY QUOTA:

"Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms, if you only let them."
- William James

"...wherever alcoholics are exposed to the mind altering effects of football, situations can become chaotic."
- Gary Molyneux

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Captions on Bar Signs
1. "Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor, as they burn the hands and knees of our customers as they leave."
2. "Notice - Public Bar. Our public bar is presently not open because it is closed. The Manager."
(Post from Billy S)

DAILY QUOTA:

"Singleness of purpose is one of the chief essentials for success in life, no matter what may be one's aim."
- John D Rockefeller

"It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways."
- Buddha

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Lie detector
Two drunks were both reading the daily newspaper at their usual bar. One drunk asked the other, "Did you read this story about a new lie detector the cops have? It says here it can detect lies 100% of the time." The other drunk replied: "What do you mean, have I read about it? I married one."