DAILY QUOTA:

"One common mistake is to think that one reality is the reality. You must always be prepared to leave one reality for a greater one."
- Mother Meera

"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility."
- James Thurber

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Bar tab
A drunk sat down on his usual barstool and ordered his usual drink. The bartender was about to start pouring when he noticed the drunk's tab was grossly in arrears, "Sorry, no more for you until you pay this tab you've been running." The drunk complained: "You've got to be kidding, no one could wait that long."

DAILY QUOTA:

"The truth is so evident, so binding, and so generally acknowledged, that it is only necessary to put it clearly before men for the evil called war to become quite impossible."
- Leo Tolstoy

"Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
- George Bernard Shaw

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Hard-of-hearing
Three older drunks, all hard-of-hearing, are staggering down the street. The first drunk says, "It sure is windy." The second drunk replies, "No, it's Thursday." The third drunk adds: "Me too, let's go for a drink."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Dare to be wrong and to dream."
- Friedrich Schiller

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."
- Jack Handy

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What's Up, Doc
A drunk's wife talks him into going to see a doctor about his drinking. After being poked, prodded and answering too many questions, the drunk says, "So tell me what's up, Doc." The doctor replies: "I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is, your boozing has made you a very sick man. The good news is you don't have to worry, because you'll probably go get drunk and forget about it."

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Signals
A man was the designated driver for a group of his drunk friends. He pulled over to drop the last one off at home when he asked him, "Listen, I think my signal lights might not be working, so can you just watch them for a minute while I do a test?" The drunk agreed then got out and staggered to the back of the car. As the driver was flashing the signal lights left and then right, he could hear the drunk shouting: "They work, they don't work, they work, they don't work..."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can."
- Willis Whitney

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."
- George Best

DAILY QUOTA:

"There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true Self."
- William James

"Trumpets are a bit more adventurous; they're drunk! Trumpeters are generally drunk. It wets their whistle."
- Paul McCartney

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Gossip
The local gossip told everyone that the town drunk was getting worse, "I saw his truck parked outside the tavern all afternoon. Imagine that!" When the drunk caught wind of the story, he decided to get even. So after dark, he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

DAILY QUOTA:

"Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?"
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."
- Diogenes

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He wants to measure up
A construction worker is drunk at work, again. A co-worker sees him holding a long two-by-four straight up with one hand, while unsuccessfully trying to measure it. The man can't watch the fiasco any more. He takes the measuring tape out of the drunk's hand, lays the two-by-four down on the ground, and then measures it. He turns to the drunk and says, "See, that wasn't so hard." The drunk isn't impressed: "That doesn't help at all. I don't need to know how long it is, I need to know how tall it is."

DAILY QUOTA:

"It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels he is worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him."
- Abraham Lincoln

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road."
- Henry Ward Beecher

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Distasteful
A bartender noticed that two drunk cannibals were sitting at his bar eating a clown. The bartender protested: "Hey, you guys can't do that here. I mean, doesn't he taste funny?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"To know the will of God is the greatest knowledge! To do the will of God is the greatest achievement."
- George Truett

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me."
- Robert Frost

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How old are you?
A drunk is reading a magazine when he turns to his drinking buddy and says, "It says here that heavy drinking can cut the length of your life in half. How old are you?" His buddy tells him he's 30 years old. The first drunk responds: "Well, keep up the good work. If you didn't drink you'd be 60 by now."