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Good to go
A drunk's wife talked him into attending a big Salvation Army fund-raising dinner. Knowing there wouldn't be much booze, if any, he really wasn't looking forward to going. So before leaving the house he prepared for the boring evening by polishing off the better part of a bottle of scotch. Ready or not, he was good to go! Or so he thought. The dinner hadn't even started when he leaned over to his wife and whispered, "I'm gonna puke." Hoping to spare herself more embarrassment than necessary, the disgusted wife told him not to use the men's room, "Go outside behind the building if you have to get sick." Off he went, but was back at their table less than a minute later. Horrified, the wife was scared to ask, but did anyway, "You didn't make it outside, did you?" The drunk replied, "I didn't have to! There's a box right by the entrance that says: For the Sick."

DAILY QUOTA:

"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
- Albert Camus

"I drink when I have occasion and sometimes when I have no occasion."
- Miguel de Cervantes

DAILY QUOTA:

"Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame."
- Benjamin Franklin

"He is often drunk. His head hurts. Snatches of conversation, remembered precepts, and prefigured cries of terror bombinate about his skull."
- Elspeth Barker

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It's all part of the job
A cop responded to a domestic disturbance call at a home he was too familiar with. He thought it was probably the same old story: The husband would have arrived home drunk, then a big argument probably erupted, and the cop would have to play marriage counselor for an hour to settle them both down. It's all part of the job, the cop told himself. When he got there the wife refused to talk, so he asked the drunk, "Sir, you're even more intoxicated than usual. Whatever she said this time, are you sure you don't deserve it?" The drunk complained, "I don't care what she says, but I sure don't deserve to die! She wants to kill me! She threatened me with a maple leaf!" This was a new twist to an old story. The cop couldn't figure this one out, "Aw, come on! How could she hurt you with a little old maple leaf?" The drunk replied: "It's not that small. It's the center leaf from our dining room table."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Do not dwell in the past. Do not dream of the future. Concentrate the mind on the present moment."
- Buddha

"As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey."
- Thomas Edison

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Light bulb
Q: How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he will stop for a quick beer when he's half done.

DAILY QUOTA:

"Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone."
- Jesus

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
- Jarger

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Expensive Lawyer
A drunk was facing serious charges for some intoxicated behavior so he went to see a top-notch lawyer. The drunk heard that good lawyers charged a lot so right off the bat he asked, "How much will this cost me?" Without blinking an eye, the lawyer said , "$100 for three questions." The drunk was dismayed, "Wow! Isn't that awfully expensive?" The lawyer replied: "Yes, it is. Now what's your third question?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble: They can never be solved, but only outgrown."
- Carl Jung

"I've gone from saint, to whore, and back to saint again, all in one lifetime!"
- Ingrid Bergman

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No Tip
A drunk was counting his money so he could pay his tab and stagger home. Assessing the situation, he told the bartender, "It seems, my good man, that I only have enough to cover this bill. Sorry, but that means no tip for you." The bartender acted quickly: "Let's just slow down here. Give me that bill and I'll add it up again."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Just keep going: Everybody gets better if they keep at it."
- Ted Williams

"Electricity originates in clouds. There it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called generators, turns back into electricity. There it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a circuit."
- Dave Barry

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Worrying won't help
A doctor was counselling a drunk's wife who couldn't sleep at night. The doctor firmly told her, "Worrying about your alcoholic husband's drinking won't help you sleep. You need to stop taking your worry to bed with you!" The drunk's wife replied: "I tried that, but he refuses to sleep on the couch."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Self-respect is the root of discipline. The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself."
- Abraham Heschel

"I can resist everything except temptation."
- Oscar Wilde

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Two sailors
Two sailors are both blind-drunk when they fall into a huge mud puddle. They start splasing around in a panic for a few minutes, untill one of them suddenly pipes up, "Over here, I think I found it!" The second one starts splashing toward him, "Good on ya, mate! I was starting to lose hope." The first drunk sailor replies: "You should learn to keep the faith. I knew we'd find the shore."

DAILY QUOTA:

"There's as much risk in doing nothing as in doing something."
- Trammell Crow

"Stop wallowing in self-pity. Now pull yourself together, and come get drunk with us."
- Karl character, The Simpsons

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The waiting game
A wife was getting more and more angry as she waited up for her no good drunk of a husband. He left to go to a furniture sale and pick up some household items she wanted for the longest time. But now, six hours later and still counting, she was ready to accept the fact that all she would get that evening was a drunk husband stumbling home from the bar. Just then the door swung open and, sure enough, there he was, sauced again. She let him have it, "You jerk, you went and got drunk! You're so selfish, you didn't get anything for the house!" The drunk slurred back: "Au contraire, as far as I can remember I bought several rounds for the house."

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Cheap Drunk
A drunk was sitting in his comfy chair, enjoying his favorite rare vintage scotch that he picked up at an auction. Life was good! That's when the phone rang. To the drunk's dismay, it was a person raising funds for a worthy charity. The drunk interrupted the caller's spiel with one of his own: "You want me to give you money? Let me give you a reality check! Last month my sweet old aunt needed money to fill a prescription; this week my daughter needed money to pay her tuition and my boy needed braces; and yesterday my wife had an expensive appointment at the dentist to stop her pain...and if I didn't give any of those vultures a single dime, what makes you think you would get anything?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"Sharing makes you bigger than you are. The more you pour out, the more life will be able to pour in."
- Jim Rohn

"Wine hath drowned more men than the sea."
- Thomas Fuller

DAILY QUOTA:

"Through pride, we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, 'Something is out of tune.'"
- Carl Jung

"Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse."
- Miguel de Cervantes

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Drunk is sentenced
A drunk was in court and the judge declared his sentence, "You have been found guilty of being drunk and disorderly in public. That will be 20 days behind bars or $500." The drunk replied: "In that case, if it please the court, just give me the $500."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Through pride, we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, 'Something is out of tune.'"
- Carl Jung

"Look at all my trials and tribulations
Sinking in a gentle pool of wine.
Don't disturb me now, I can see the answers
'Till this evening is this morning, life is fine."
- Jesus Christ Superstar lyrics by Tim Rice

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Judge of good whisky
Have you heard about the drunk who prided himself on being a top-notch judge of good whisky? Good judge or not, his friends certainly found him to be a ruthless executioner.

DAILY QUOTA:

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"
- Jesus

"Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains."
- Mary Pettibone Poole

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A drunk in court again
A drunk was in front of a judge, yet again, for being drunk and disorderly in public. The judge started to admonish him, "You have previously been found guilty of thirteen separate alcohol-related offences. Here you stand, accused again! Aren't you even the least bit ashamed of yourself?" The drunk replied: "Not at all your honor. I was raised to never be ashamed of my convictions."

DAILY QUOTA:

"What you are is what you have been; and what you will be is what you do now."
- Buddha

"I hate singles' bars. Guys come up to me and say, 'Hey, cupcake, can I buy you a drink?' I say: 'No, but I'll take the three bucks.'"
- Margaret Smith

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Drunk with a plan
A drunk received jail time for his umpteenth impaired driving offence. Since he had no money to get booze smuggled in, he hatched a plan to get out so he could resume his interrupted drinking career. He faked being ill and was sent to the infirmary. That's where things got ugly. Within a month the prison doctor had removed his appendix, tonsils and one kidney. It slowly occurred to the drunk that this just wasn't right. So he finally protested, "What's up, doc? Right after the first operation I told you that I only faked being sick, hoping you would help me get out of jail!" The doctor replied: "That's what I'm doing, one little bit at a time."

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Directions
Two men were travelling across the country and got lost in a big city. Looking around for someone to ask for directions, they noticed a drunk sitting on a bench. One of the men spoke up, "Excuse us, but can you tell us the fastest way to the west end?" The drunk was happy to help, "Are you driving or walking?" They told him, "We're driving." The drunk replied: "Then carry on, driving is definitely the fastest way."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Run forward when possible, walk ahead when you can, stagger onward when you must; but never cease your forward movement."
- Vernon Howard

"My family, most of them are drunks. I remember when I was a kid, I was lost. They put my picture on a bottle of scotch."
- Rodney Dangerfield

DAILY QUOTA:

"I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me."
- Dudley Field Malone

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
- Norm Peterson

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Two Drunks
Two drunks were at a bar and got to chatting. It turned out that they had much in common and both enjoyed their slurry conversation. They agreed to meet at the same bar next week and continue their chat. The following week, one of the drunks walked into that same bar and, lo and behold, there was the other drunk waiting for him. He looked a bit more haggard than memory served, but there he was. The first drunk exclaimed, "Well, I really didn't know whether you would remember our arrangement. We were both feeling pretty good when we left!" The second drunk replied: "What makes you think I left?"

DAILY QUOTA:

"Not what we give, but what we share...for the gift without the giver is bare."
- James R Lowell

"Credit buying is much like being drunk: The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift; the hangover comes the day after."
- Joyce Brothers

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Diamonds
Q: When the drunk's wife wanted diamonds for her birthday gift, what did he get her?
A: A brand new sparkling deck of playing cards.

DAILY QUOTA:

"To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."
- Elbert Hubbard

"You can't seriously want to ban alcohol: It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!"
- Mayor Quimby

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Fiancée
A drunk looked more long-faced than usual so the bartender asked him what was wrong. The drunk told him he had parted ways with his fiancée. The bartender inquired further, "What happened?" The drunk answered, "Would you want to marry someone who was a liar and a cheat?" The bartender understood, "Of course not!" The drunk explained: "Well, neither did my fiancée."