DAILY QUOTA:

"We may seek God by our intellect, but we only can find him with our heart."
- Cotvos

"Who feels it knows it."
- Rita Marley

QUICK E-QUIPS:

Alcoholic Skeleton
Did you hear the one about the alcoholic skeleton who quit drinking? He had no-body to drink with.

Another Skeleton
A skeleton walked into a bar and said: "Give me a beer...and a mop."

Vampires
Two vampires walk into a bar. One orders some blood, the other wants some plasma. The bartender says: "Let me be sure I've got this right. That's one blood and one blood lite."

No new posts today due to server maintenance on .blogspot
- Daily updates will resume on Friday October 31st -

DAILY QUOTA:

"God brings men into deep waters not to drown them, but to cleanse them."
- John H Aughey

"I've learned one thing. That when a man is at rock bottom, when there's no place else he can go, except up...that the only thing that's really important in this world to him is that somebody somewhere cares."
- Johnny Cash

QUICK E-QUIP:

Can't blame him for trying
Ready to enjoy happy hour, a drunk settled down on his barstool and admired the sign, "Happy Hour: Two beers for $3." "Excuse me barkeep," the drunk said, "If two beers are $3 then how much for just one?" The bartender replied, "If you have only one, its $2." The drunk replied, "Well then, forget that beer and just give me the other one."

DAILY QUOTA:

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, 'You're here for drinking.' I said, 'OK, Your Honor, let's get started.'"
- Rodney Dangerfield

QUICK E-QUIP:

You all have to leave
A piece of paper, a ruler, and a pencil walk into a bar together and sit down. The bouncer walks over and says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here! You all have to leave." The piece of paper pipes up and replies: "Sorry, we can't do that. We're stationery."

DAILY QUOTA:

"The art of becoming wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."
- William James

"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
- Oscar Wilde

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Even though he was not a praying man
A drunk was stumbling home when he suddenly felt the unimagineable--something warm trickling down his leg. Even though he was not a praying man, the humiliation made him plead: "Please God, let it be blood."

DAILY QUOTA

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
- Carl Jung

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
- Bill Cosby


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QUICK E-QUIP

The bartender is a horse
A drunk walks into a bar and notices that the bartender is a horse. What's more, the horse is boasting to all the patrons that he's the new owner. So he's standing there with a look of disbelief, when the horse asks him, "What are you lookin' at? Didn't you ever see a horse tend bar before?" The drunk replies: "That's not it. I just thought that the monkey would never sell this place."

DAILY QUOTA:

"I have a lot of things to prove to myself. One is that I can live my life fearlessly."
- Oprah Winfrey

"During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days."
- WC Fields

QUICK E-QUIP:

A man of all seasons
A drunk is at his doctor's office for a check-up. The doctor voices his concern, "Your drinking might be affecting your mental faculties. Do you even know what season of the year it is right now?" The drunk tells him its summer. "That is exactly what I'm talking about," the doctor says, shaking his head. So he points toward the window and adds, "Look at all the leaves turning color, and the grass is going brown. Now what kind of summer is that?" The drunk replies: "Doc, I can answer that question and you'll be sure I'm not losing my mind. Its a lousy summer."

DAILY QUOTA:

"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life."
- William Arthur Ward

"I hope Mom behaves at this cookout. Last time she started drinking margaritas, she wandered off in the woods for 18 hours and woke up to a deer licking salt off her lips."
- David Letterman

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A Good Reason
A drunk stumbles home at dawn after a long night of drinking. His wife, standing there with her arms crossed, confronts him, "You'd better have a good reason for getting in at six in the morning!" The drunk replies: "Sure, it's called breakfast."

Quotes

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get--only with what you are expecting to give--which is everything."
- Katherine Hepburn

"I don't want to make the wrong mistake."
- Yogi Berra

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."
- Dean Martin

Small World

A drunk was in court for being intoxicated in public. The judge decided to give him a long lecture to go with the fine. At the end of it the judge added, "Young man, don't let me see your face again." The drunk replied: "I can't do that. Don't you recognize me? I'm the bartender at the pub you drink at every night."

Quotes

"Things that are done, it is needless to speak about...things that are past, it is needless to blame."
- Confucius

"My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey."
- Igor Stravinsky

No more lame reasons

A drunk finally makes it home at four in the morning. As he stumbles through the front door, his wife confronts him, "You better not give me another one of your lame reasons for getting home this late!" The drunk replies: "You're right, so be a dear and help me think up a good excuse."

Quotes

"Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune."
- William James

"If merely 'feeling good' could decide, drunkenness would be the supremely valid human experience."
- William James

"We want all our friends to tell us our bad qualities; it is only the particular ass that does so whom we can't tolerate."
- William James

Drunk Talk

One drunk sees another drunk with a bottle, cleverly disguised, in a brown paper bag. He asks him, "Hey buddy, how about sharing the hooch?" The second drunk replies, "It's not hooch, it's wine." So the first drunk corrects himself, "Then how about sharing that wine?" The second says, "It isn't just wine, it's Cherry Jack." The first drunk is getting irritated, "Look, are you going to share your Cherry Jack with me or not?" There's a long hard pause and then he gets his answer: "Well, maybe I will if you ever make up your mind."

Quotes

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
- Franklin P. Jones

"It's not the drinking to be blamed, but the excess."
- John Selden

"One more drink and I’d have been under the host."
- Dorothy Parker

Drunk Guilt

It's late at night and a drunk is woken by his wife who says, "Honey, I'm cold." Even though he doesn't want to get up, the drunk still feels guilty about his last binge and so he gets up and gets her a blanket. A few minutes later, he hears, "Honey, now I'm too warm." Again the drunk's remorse makes him get up, and he opens the window. A few minutes later he hears, "Honey, now I want a real man." Well, that does it for the drunk. Guilt or not, he decides to make his stand and says: "Aw c'mon, now you're just being unreasonable. It's the middle of the night. Where am I going to find you a real man?"

Quotes

"There is no such thing as a 'self-made' man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success."
- George Adams

"As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal: keep you eyes upon the donut, and not upon the hole!"
- Murray Banks

"A witty saying proves nothing."
- Voltaire

"I'll get you a chair"

A bartender is shutting down for the night and he spots a drunk passed out on the floor in a corner. "Hey there buddy", he says, "You don't look that great. If you want to sit down while I call a cab for you, I'll get you a chair." The drunk spawled out on the floor, looks up at the bartender standing over him and says: "No, I'm OK standing here."

Quotes

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."
- Helen Keller

"We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality."
- Albert Einstein

"An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men."
- Charles Darwin

Drunk Logic

After a long bender, two drunks are sitting at a bus stop. Since they haven't had enough, they decide to run across the street to get some off-sales before the bar closes. As they dash into the street without looking, a car swerves to avoid hitting them and crashes into the bus stop they were just sitting at. One drunk looks at the other and says: "Talk about lucky. We left that bus stop just in the nick of time."

A big Canadian Thanksgiving Day THANK YOU to all visitors for stopping by, for submitted posts, and for the kind words of encouragement to keep this site going: This blog's for You

Quotes

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
- Melody Beattie

"Do you realize what this means? The fact of being alive... I still find it staggering that I am here at all."
- Christopher Leach

"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
- WC Fields

Thanksgiving Day Party

A New Yorker was fed up with his Wall Street life, so he liquidated his portfolio, sold all of his belongings and moved to Alaska. After five months alone in an isolated cabin, he heard a knock at the door. He wasn't surprised to see a man who looked much like he did by that time: kind of scruffy with a bushy beard. "I live on the other side of this hill," the stranger told him, "I'm having a Thanksgiving Day party at my place tonight and you're invited." The man was delighted, "Sounds great! I've enjoyed being alone here, but I feel ready for some socializing again." The stranger turned to go, then stopped and added, "By the way, I should mention that these things can get out of hand. There's always some heavy drinking and fighting." The man smiled to himself and replied, "Don't worry about me. I lived in New York and have been to some pretty wild parties. By the way, I'm not familiar with the social scene around here. Does it matter what I wear?" The stranger gave him a weird look and said: "Don't be ridiculous, it will only be the two of us."

Quotes

"If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system."
- William James

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Edison

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
- Carl Jung

Man No Sober

The drunkard he staggers around
The alleys of cities and towns
His sorrows he tries to drown
Solution to his problems
Can never be found
Booze is what he choose
Like a gipsy he's tipsy
He drinks too much whiskey
Like a gipsy he's tipsy
He drinks too much
A Mr Winehead stagger
Booze is what he choose
Watch him how he topples over
Man no sober
In and out of discotheques
In and out of wine bars
Burnt out shell looks a wreck
Got to help him somehow
Greets bartenders drink firewater
Dance bossanova he topples over
With a bottle in his hand
Hangover
Man no sober
From dust till dawn
He staggers around
From dust till dawn
He drinks it all day long
Watch him how he topples over
Man no sober

(Lyrics from reggae song by Steel Pulse
on their 1982 "True Democracy" album/CD)

Too thin

Two drunks are stumbling through town when they come across one of their drinking buddies, passed out on the sidewalk. As they're trying to revive him the first drunk says, "I'm getting worried about him. I don't think he's been eating at all." The second drunk agrees: "That could be his problem. I mean, you haven't been eating much and you're too thin. And I haven't been eating much, and I'm too thin. But I swear, he's thinner than both of us put together."

Quotes

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
- Winston Churchill

"The Golden Rule not the Rule of Gold"

Baha'i
"Blessed is he who preferreth his brother before himself."
...Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah,71...

Buddhism
"Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful."
...Udana-Varga,5:18...

Christianity
"All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them."
...Matthew 7:12...

Confucianism
"Do not unto others what you would not have them do unto you"
...Analects 15:23...

Hinduism
"This is the sum of duty: do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you."
...Mahabharata 5:1517...

Islam
"No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself".
...Sunnah...

Jainism
"In happiness and suffering, in joy and grief, we should regard all creatures as we regard our own self"
...Lord Mahavira, 24th Tirthankara...

Judaism
"What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man. That is the law: all the rest is commentary"
...Talmud, Shabbat 31a...

Native American
"Respect for all life is the foundation."

Sikhism
Don't create enmity with anyone as God is within everyone."
...Guru Arjan Devji 259, Guru Granth Sahib...

Zoroastrianism
"That nature only is good when it shall not do unto another whatever is not good for its own self."
...Dadistan-i-Dinik, 94:5...

(above post from Billy S)

He just wants a beer

A bartender has had a rough night and is ready to go home. After finally throwing the last drunk out and locking up, he hears someone knocking. He opens the door and sees a snail who says, "Thanks, I can't reach the door handle." The bartender stops him before he says another word, "Sorry, we're closed." The snail pipes up, "Hey, it took me forever to get here and I just want a beer!" The bartender has had enough. He tells the snail to get lost and kicks him across the street. One whole year later the same bartender is locking up the same bar. He opens the door and there's that same snail who says: "What did you do that for? I just want a beer."

Quotes

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance"
- Oscar Wilde

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say it makes him more pleasing to others."
- Samuel Johnson

The right woman

Two drinking buddies are in the bar, doing what they do, when one asks the other, "So tell me, how come you never married?" When the single drunk says that he's waiting for the right woman, the married drunk asks him what his idea of the right woman is. For a minute, the single one looks as thoughtful as a drunk can look, then says, "Well...she should be good looking with a great personality, have a good job, and own her own house." Trying to be about as realistic as a drunk can be, the married one scoffs, "Aw c'mon, a woman like that would have to be crazy to marry a guy like you!" The single drunk replies: "Maybe, but I'm not that picky so who cares if she's crazy?"

Quotes

"Life is an adventure in forgiveness."
- Norman Cousins

"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on."
- Oscar Levant

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
- Henny Youngman

"Hey buddy, something wrong?"

A drunk is at a bar drinking. He works his way up to drinking doubles and eventually asks for a triple. The bartender is concerned so he asks him, "Hey buddy, something wrong?" So the drunk tells his story: "My wife and I got into a bad fight, and when we made up she promised she wouldn't nag me about my drinking for thirty days!" The bartender is confused and tells him so, "I don't get it, isn't that good news that she won't nag you for thirty days?" The drunk replies, "Sure it is, but today is the last day."

Quotes

"Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."
- William James

"This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler."
- Titus Maccius Plautus

"It only takes one drink to get me drunk, but I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
- George Burns

Ice Fishing

A drunk is loaded and decides to go ice fishing. He finds a nice spot on the ice, has a swig from his "thermos" and starts cutting a hole. Just then he hears a loud booming voice, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH THERE!" He looks around, sees nothing, takes another swig and keeps cutting when he hears it again, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH THERE!" At a loss to explain what's happening he asks, "God, is that you?" The voice replies: "No, I'm the manager of this hockey arena."

Quotes

"Appreciation of life itself, becoming suddenly aware of the miracle of being alive, on this planet, can turn what we call ordinary life into a miracle. We come awake to such a realization when we recognize our connection to a spiritual dimension."
- Dan Wakefield

"When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves."
- Confucius

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."
- Mahatma Gandhi

Rabbi, Priest, Minister

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Quotes:

"I made a commitment to completely cut out drinking and anything that might hamper me from getting my mind and body together. And the floodgates of goodness have opened upon me--spiritually and financially."
- Denzel Washington

"Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness."
- Ludwig Wittgenstein

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss."
- Lazarus Long

Some yogurt

Some yogurt walked into a bar and the bartender said: "Hey, we don't serve your kind here, even if you are cultured."

Quotes

"Whenever two people meet there are really six people present. There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is."
- William James

"Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts."
- Finley Peter Dunne

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
- Jack Handey

A Goldfish

A goldfish walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he'll have. The goldfish says: "Water...lots and lots of water."