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DAILY QUOTA:
"We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what we can."
- Oswald Chambers
"I'm not normally a praying man; but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"
- Homer Simpson
QUICK E-QUIP:
Number Five Idiot of 2003: "A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later."
Idiot Number Seven of 2003: "Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It ! seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape."
(The complete article can be viewed here: Author's Den)
Idiot Number Seven of 2003: "Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It ! seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape."
(The complete article can be viewed here: Author's Den)
DAILY QUOTA:
"The man who has no imagination has no wings."
- Muhammad Ali
"There's a party in my mind,
And I hope it never stops;
They party all the time,
Gonna party till they drop.
Other people can go home,
Other people they can split;
I can never stop,
I can never quit."
- David Byrne, lyrics from
'Memories Can't Wait'
QUICK E-QUIP:
Have a Sober and Happy St. Patrick's Day!
All Irish visitors to dryblog: This blog's for you!
DAILY QUOTA:
"May the road rise up to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields;
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand."
- Irish Blessing
"But after I reached Ireland I used to pasture the flock each day and I used to pray many times a day. More and more did the love of God, and my fear of Him and faith increase, and my spirit was moved so that in a day I said from one up to a hundred prayers, and in the night a like number; besides I used to stay out in the forests and on the mountain and I would wake up before daylight to pray in the snow, in icy coldness, in rain, and I used to feel neither ill nor any slothfulness, because, as I now see, the Spirit was burning in me at that time."
- Saint Patrick
"We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines."
- The Big Book of 'Alcoholics Anonymous' p. 60
QUICK E-QUIP:
Irish Jig
Q: How did the popular 'Irish Jig' get started?
A: Too much stout, not enough restrooms.
DAILY QUOTA:
"Good friends are good for your health."
- Irwin Sarason
"You may be called a drunken dog by some of the high collar and silk stocking gentry, but the real roughnecks will style you a jovial fellow."
- Davy Crockett
QUICK E-QUIP:
Up the stairs
A drunk got home late after after drinking beer with his buddies all night. He was making even more noise than usual, so his wife screeched from the bedroom upstairs, "What's with all the racket down there?" The drunk slurred back, "Sorry dear, but it's not easy trying to get a case of beer up the stairs." The wife was losing her patience, "Just come to bed and leave it downstairs!" The drunk replied, "I can't, I already drank it."
QUICK E-QUIP:
It gets better
A recovering alcoholic was new to sobriety and found himself experiencing severe mood swings. More experienced members at his recovery group assured him this would pass. He eagerly shared that news with his patient wife, "I know I've gone from being drunk all the time to being rather moody, but it will get better!" The wife nodded, "I understand that and I'm with you all the way. But the way I see it, things have already gotten better than just going from being drunk to being moody." The recovering alcoholic didn't understand, "How do you mean?" She explained: "You were quickly going from being drunk to being alone."
DAILY QUOTA:
"It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways."
- Buddha
"What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person, may seem like an absolute scream to another person -- especially if he has had between four and seven beers."
- Dave Barry
"Alcoholism: The urge to keep drinking is the first sign of an addiction"
Flash Animation narrated by Nicole Kidman (Runtime: 1 min)
Face The Issue
DAILY QUOTA:
"The best way to know God is to love many things."
- Van Gogh
"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."
- Dave Barry
QUICK E-QUIP:
Newspaper
A drunk became almost unemployable because of his constant drinking, so he was happy to land a job selling newspapers on a street corner. Each day a certain businesswoman would drop 50 cents in the pay-and-run cup, but she never took a paper. She never said anything and the drunk never said a word, but he sure did appreciate the extra drinking money. One morning the same businesswoman dropped off 50 cents without taking a paper like she always did, and started walking away. Only this time the drunk just had to pipe up: "Not so quick lady, they increased the price to 75 cents."
DAILY QUOTA:
"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives."
- Richard Bach
"Might as well go for a soda, nobody hurts and nobody cries;
Might as well go for a soda, nobody drowns and nobody dies;
Might as well go for a soda, it's better than slander, it's better than lies."
- Kim Mitchell, lyrics from 'Go for Soda'
QUICK E-QUIP:
Basement
Q: What do you call a bar in a basement?
A: A whine cellar.
DAILY QUOTA:
"Anyone who has never made a mistake, has never tried anything new."
- Albert Einstein
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
- Mark Twain
QUICK E-QUIP:
Making Supper
A drunk's wife was angry with him, probably for good reason. He decided to make her a nice supper, hoping that would bring her around. After her husband had been in the kitchen for over two hours, the wife thought she better go see what was happening. What she found didn't surprise her: There was her husband, drunk and opening another beer, while the kitchen was a complete disaster area. The wife asked him, "What's taking so long?" The drunk told her he had to refill the pepper shaker. The wife didn't see the connection, "Well, alright then, but refilling the pepper shaker shouldn't take two hours!" The drunk slurred back, "Oh, you don't think so? You try stuffing it through those little holes."
DAILY QUOTA:
"The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind."
- Wayne Dyer
"Drinking brings out our animal nature, making us drunk as a skunk, weasel-eyed, ratted, ... zoo'd, ripped as a newt, boiled as an owl, howling, hog-whimpering or roaring drunk. Those of us who drank too much at college dorm parties may also recall the extreme adjectives, even murder metaphors, of our youth - and indeed we probably did kill off parts of our brains and livers. They were generally grouped by method: sharp instrument (half-cut, ripped, let her rip, screwed), blunt instrument (hammered, smashed, whammed, slammed, stoned, ossified), poison (polluted, gassed, trashed), electrocution (wired, buzzed, zapped, blistered), hanging (tied one on, looped, strung out, twisted) and car accident (not firing on all cylinders, well-oiled, shellacked, lubricated, pumped up, totalled, mashed, wrecked). Then there was injury or death from no apparent cause (done in, ruined, obliterated, decimated, paralytic, legless, blind drunk, dead drunk)."
- Natalie MacLean, 'Drunk on Adjectives'
QUICK E-QUIP:
New Job
A drunk showed up at a construction site for the first day of his new job. The foreman asked, "Can you do hard labor?" The drunk replied: "Not only can I, but a judge once told me that someday I would."
DAILY QUOTA:
"We see things not as they are, but as we are."
- John Milton
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman
QUICK E-QUIP:
Blind-drunk
The son of a drunk wanted to send his dad something special for his birthday. His drunk dad had always liked to read, but since he drank himself practically blind he wasn't able to do much reading. While browsing the Internet one day, the son spotted the perfect gift: a specially trained parrot that could read out loud. He immediately ordered it to be delivered to his dad on his birthday. The evening of that special day he phoned his dad and asked, "By the way dad, did you like the bird I sent?" The drunk dad replied: "Yes, that was very thoughtful of you. It would have been better if you were here to enjoy birthday dinner with me, but the bird was absolutely delicious."
DAILY QUOTA:
"Hear, my son, and be wise, and direct your mind in the way. Be not among winebibbers, or among gluttonous eaters of meat; for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and drowsiness will clothe a man with rags."
- Proverbs 23:19-20
"Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat."
- Dave Barry
QUICK E-QUIP:
Drunk Waiter
A couple were out for what they hoped would be a nice dinner. After a few minor incidents, they came to suspect that their waiter was drunk. Not caring to make a scene, they let it go and hoped for the best. After what seemed like forever, their soup was finally being served. That's when the man saw the last straw, "Enough is enough young man, your thumb is in my soup!" The drunk waiter replied: "Don't worry about me, the soup isn't hot anyway."
DAILY QUOTA:
"Before God, we are all equally wise -- and equally foolish."
- Albert Einstein
"I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case and the other case, we only got one case left."
- Barney Gumbal (The Simsons)
QUICK E-QUIP:
Brewery Truck
Did you hear about the cheap drunk who was tragically run over by a brewery truck?
It was the first time the drinks were on him.
QUICK E-QUIP:
Roof
Q: How do you get a drunk to climb on to a roof?
A: Tell him the drinks are on the house.
DAILY QUOTA:
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
- Buddha
"All excess is ill, but drunkenness is of the worst sort. It spoils health, dismounts the mind, and unmans men. It reveals secrets, is quarrelsome, lascivious, impudent, dangerous and bad."
- William Penn
DAILY QUOTA:
"There are two kinds of worries: those you can do something about and those you can't. Don't spend any time on the latter."
- Duke Ellington
"I have made an important discovery: that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication."
- Oscar Wilde
QUICK E-QUIP:
House
A drunk's wife was going over their financial statement. She shared her dismay with her alcoholic husband, "You know, with the cost of booze, you've probably drank the equivalent of a house by now!" The drunk just shrugged and said nothing. The wife continued: "The way I figure it, you must have drank at least a small bungalow, but at this rate, you're easily working toward a split-level with a double garage and all."
DAILY QUOTA:
"He who laughs, lasts."
- Mary Pettibone Poole
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles Schulz
QUICK E-QUIP:
Cheap & Selfish
A drunk is going out to do his daily drinking. As he's getting ready to leave the house, he says to his wife, "I'm off to the pub, put your coat on." The wife gets excited, "Really? You mean you're actually going to take me with you for a change?" The drunk replies: "No, but the rising cost of utilities is killing us so I'm turning the heat down until I get back."
QUICK E-QUIP:
Good to go
A drunk's wife talked him into attending a big Salvation Army fund-raising dinner. Knowing there wouldn't be much booze, if any, he really wasn't looking forward to going. So before leaving the house he prepared for the boring evening by polishing off the better part of a bottle of scotch. Ready or not, he was good to go! Or so he thought. The dinner hadn't even started when he leaned over to his wife and whispered, "I'm gonna puke." Hoping to spare herself more embarrassment than necessary, the disgusted wife told him not to use the men's room, "Go outside behind the building if you have to get sick." Off he went, but was back at their table less than a minute later. Horrified, the wife was scared to ask, but did anyway, "You didn't make it outside, did you?" The drunk replied, "I didn't have to! There's a box right by the entrance that says: For the Sick."
DAILY QUOTA:
"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
- Albert Camus
"I drink when I have occasion and sometimes when I have no occasion."
- Miguel de Cervantes
DAILY QUOTA:
"Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame."
- Benjamin Franklin
"He is often drunk. His head hurts. Snatches of conversation, remembered precepts, and prefigured cries of terror bombinate about his skull."
- Elspeth Barker
QUICK E-QUIP:
It's all part of the job
A cop responded to a domestic disturbance call at a home he was too familiar with. He thought it was probably the same old story: The husband would have arrived home drunk, then a big argument probably erupted, and the cop would have to play marriage counselor for an hour to settle them both down. It's all part of the job, the cop told himself. When he got there the wife refused to talk, so he asked the drunk, "Sir, you're even more intoxicated than usual. Whatever she said this time, are you sure you don't deserve it?" The drunk complained, "I don't care what she says, but I sure don't deserve to die! She wants to kill me! She threatened me with a maple leaf!" This was a new twist to an old story. The cop couldn't figure this one out, "Aw, come on! How could she hurt you with a little old maple leaf?" The drunk replied: "It's not that small. It's the center leaf from our dining room table."
DAILY QUOTA:
"Do not dwell in the past. Do not dream of the future. Concentrate the mind on the present moment."
- Buddha
"As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey."
- Thomas Edison
QUICK E-QUIP:
Light bulb
Q: How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he will stop for a quick beer when he's half done.
DAILY QUOTA:
"Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone."
- Jesus
"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
- Jarger
QUICK E-QUIP:
Expensive Lawyer
A drunk was facing serious charges for some intoxicated behavior so he went to see a top-notch lawyer. The drunk heard that good lawyers charged a lot so right off the bat he asked, "How much will this cost me?" Without blinking an eye, the lawyer said , "$100 for three questions." The drunk was dismayed, "Wow! Isn't that awfully expensive?" The lawyer replied: "Yes, it is. Now what's your third question?"
DAILY QUOTA:
"The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble: They can never be solved, but only outgrown."
- Carl Jung
"I've gone from saint, to whore, and back to saint again, all in one lifetime!"
- Ingrid Bergman
QUICK E-QUIP:
No Tip
A drunk was counting his money so he could pay his tab and stagger home. Assessing the situation, he told the bartender, "It seems, my good man, that I only have enough to cover this bill. Sorry, but that means no tip for you." The bartender acted quickly: "Let's just slow down here. Give me that bill and I'll add it up again."
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